Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
