I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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