I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She announced her abortion via fbk
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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