Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
