I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
