I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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