Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize