I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
