the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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