what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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