Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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