I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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