Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
