I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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