if you like me you must not know who I am
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
i think i just lost a toe
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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