I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
