You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
