why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
