Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
