He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
