No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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