I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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