her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
