I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
