tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
