Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
