No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
