If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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