I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
