I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
