I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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