Are we in a gay sports bar?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
