How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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