Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
