why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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