If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
