omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
