Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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