why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
