I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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