My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
