Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
