he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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