My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
