you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
