My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
