in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
