The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize