College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize