Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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