I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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