It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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