I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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