you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
