I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize